a fairy tale ending (walk the fur plank)

Reese Witherspoon, Alicia, and Igor were walking on the beach watching the surf wash up onto the rocks. Igor was wearing no shoes. Alicia was wearing sandals. Reese was wearing Moccasins. Igor was scanning the sand, looking for the shells. A huge crab crawled out of a hole. It scurried towards the friends and grabbed hold of Igor. It swung him by the tail, capitulating him into the surf. Igor can't swim. Alicia screamed in horror. Reese ran towards the water. Igor was helpless. A wave was about to crash over his minute furry body, already soaked with salt water, caked with sand. HELP screamed Igor at the top of his lungs but it was too late. The ocean swallowed him up. He was swept out to sea. Reese could see his bushy tail poking through the white caps far out past the breakers. Alicia Silverstone called her dad Shel Silverstein, who is captain of the local coast guard patrol but everyone knew that the chances of finding Igor alive were miserable. The worst part of all was that Igor's family, being Catholic, could not have an open casket funeral as was their want. Igor's mother is devastated. Igor sleeps with fishes and drowned squirrels in the depths of night. Reese Witherspoon eats giant crabs in a Malibu condo. Alicia Silverstone mourns at the chapel, stays awake for days on end, and takes amphetamines to dull the pain of loss.